Why do girls stay with loser guys?
Question of the year. I am constantly getting phone calls and having conversations with my friends who are dating these awful guys who treat them poorly. So why in the hell do they stick around?
The part that sucks about it all is that it’s nearly inevitable for everyone to date the wrong guy. I think some girls caught up in loving this guy more than the love themselves, and the jerk they are with doesn’t realize what they have. The trick is coming to our senses and realizing our worth and getting out of the relationship so we can find the guy who treats us right. And trust me, there will be a guy who will treat you right.
I’m about to get really vulnerable with you guys. I ended up in one of these relationships. He was a regular customer at the Starbucks I was working at. I remember the first time I saw him; he nearly took my breath away. So cheesy, I know. But he was so handsome I could hardly stand it. It took me four months of shameless flirting for me to get the nerve to give him my number.
He never called.
Of course, I was mortified. I have always thought of myself as shy and not bold like that so for him to not call, it crushed me. The part that got to me was he kept coming back into the store, he was still flirting with me, and nothing had changed. Finally one of my co-workers called him out on not calling me, and it turned out he had never seen my number. He told her he had been interested in me for months and never had the guts to make a move.
We started dating soon after. It was a whirlwind romance, he was seven years older, had his own place, and I was twenty living with my parents. He seemed like he had it all together, mixed with the feeling of finally getting to date this guy who had only ever been a fantasy. I thought I was in love. I was so caught up in the relationship, I didn’t really notice when it all started to turn sour.
It started with little things, him lecturing me like a child when I was a few minutes late. Then turned to full on fights when we went out. He would get mad if I made eye contact with the male waiters. He would tell me that I probably had wanted to have sex with them and would sit there and make me feel bad for the rest of the evening. He knew all my triggers and every way to make me feel bad, and he used them against me. Once he got me feeling almost to rock bottom, he would charm me again and make me feel good. This vicious cycle played over and over again.
He criticized my weight, and then accused me of wanting to sleep with others when I went to the gym; he criticized my incredibly close relationship with my mom, and my need to see my friends, so I only wanted to spend time around him. He cheated on me, and then made me believe that it was my fault because if I had been there for him more, he never would have done it.
Looking back, I can’t believe I was ever the girl who let anyone treat me like this. But in the moment, I was blinded. It got to the point where I stopped telling my friends and family about the bad things in my relationship. I didn’t want to hear what they had to say. They were the mirrors I had been refusing to look in. I think the final straw was when I came home in tears due to something he said and I had to see the look on my dad’s face. I finally came to, and realized that this relationship wasn’t healthy. It took a while for me to gain the confidence to end it but I did.
After the relationship I had no confidence. I felt so insecure, why would anyone want to be with me? Who was ever going to find me desirable? What did I have to offer? I constantly doubted myself whenever I was about to leave the house. It was awful.
This type of thing is something I see all the time. In my case, he was emotionally abusive. But there are other kinds of guys that aren’t worthy of your time. If you spend your time being more unhappy than happy with him, or if you have to make up excuses for him or justify the hurt he’s caused you, he’s not worth your time. If he doesn’t support you emotionally and with your hopes and dreams he’s not worth your time. If you can’t be yourself around him, he’s not worth it. If he ultimatums you, holds double standards, and refuses to make you a priority, you guessed it. He’s not worth your time.
Relationships shouldn’t be a source of hardship in your life. Your partner should compliment you. Being with someone means you should never question your worth, they should make you feel good.
(Super good book, and they even managed to make a movie without ruining the story, with Emma Watson, my all time favorite, go read it or see it if you’re not a reader).
And it is so true. I don’t know where it goes wrong and we start thinking we should ever be treated poorly, or that we deserve it because we don’t.
One of the things I did after my nightmare relationship was take time to learn to love myself again. I spent time alone, which is scary but I learned a lot. I love spending time with myself; I am passionate about teaching and traveling, I love binge watching shows on Netflix, getting sucked into a good book, my friends and family mean the world to me, and I don’t look good in peach. I know that I need to tell people when I am upset with them rather than just letting it blow over; I can be moody, and needy. I am independent and I love and value myself.
I won’t let someone treat me poorly. I know my worth. I’ve also come to realize that rejection doesn’t reflect poorly on me. There are going to be plenty of people out there who aren’t going to like me, and that’s just fine. I know what I have to offer and I know I’m lovable and worthwhile. Studies show that we are capable of being happy and compatible with 50,000 people, so when they say there are plenty of fish in the sea, they mean it.
Don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t know what they have when they have you. Learn to love yourself. It’ll be the best thing you do for your self. When you do, you’ll never need anyone, being with someone will just be an added bonus to your already wonderful self.
Special thanks to Semi Successful Friend Bailey for sharing her story today.